


godmod

by persephoneCaptivated (magicalgirlMUSCLES)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Multi, Pesterlog, Post-Sburb, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sadstuck, broken ot4, god!kids, suicidal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-12
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-26 10:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/964703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicalgirlMUSCLES/pseuds/persephoneCaptivated
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you’ve won the game, all your friends are alive, there’s a brand new universe for you to rule,  and everything is great!!!! right???<br/>right?????</p><p>==>Jade: Fight the feeling that humans were never meant to be gods.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. so how does it feel to be a BIG TIME HERO mister braveybrave mcheropants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of suicide

Sometimes you still woke up at three in the morning with that feeling curled up in your chest. Not the anxiety that plagued you during the game—which was the bright, sharp, rational fear of being cut up by underlings as you slept. This was far more insidious and subtle than that. It was not something as easily placed as 'nerves.' 

If you were going to compare it to anything, it was almost like the way you felt after Grandpa died. After Grandpa died and before pesterchum, yeah. For about a year after grandpa died it was just you and Bec. To tell the truth, you don’t remember much about that year (was it less? was it more???) You’re sure you managed to take care of yourself—you always do, you’re a tough girl!!!!—and if you try hard enough you can remember some of the mundane pieces of that year. Practicing your marksmanship, feeding Bec, watching reruns of the Squiddles, gardening, trying to kill yourself in the evening. Bits and pieces of that sort of thing, always forcibly recalled. The feeling, though, won’t leave you even if you tried to get rid of it. Now that you think back on it, actually, this feeling (there has to be a better name for this than ‘this feeling’!!! hmm…) was probably the reason you were so suicidal after grandpa died. You weren’t really into killing yourself before, and after things got sorted out and you felt less desperate you stopped being so silly. Mostly. 

Maybe this feeling you’re trying to talk about is desperation?? Hmmm…

But what’s with all these sad thoughts, anyways!?? Things are going great for you, all of you guys! There were a few bumps along the way, sure—like finding out no matter how hard you tried, you guys could never bring your guardians back into existence, that was not much fun—but now everyone is happy, and getting on with their lives! After sburb ended, there was a new UNIVERSE to rule, anyway you wanted, with all of your very best friends! How great is that!????

You smile to yourself, but the feeling is still there. It is not leaving and you do not know how to leave it so you decide to go visit Dave. Even though it is about four right now he is probably up—when was the last time you’ve seen a strider sleep!!!—and you won’t have to talk at all, he usually takes care of that. You giggle a little. Mr coolkid would never admit it but he was the chattiest person you knew. Monologuing was definitely a Strider-Lalaonde trait, but Dave took it to a whole new level, talking to himself when no one was even there to listen! It was worst when he was playing video games, he would just sit there and rap at the screen, without even really knowing that he was talking at all! Rose once said that it was because Dave was scared. You never asked Rose if she meant Dave was scared because he was playing Bioshock (a pretty scary game sometimes!!) or because he was scared that if he stopped talking that would mean no one was there to listen, and that would mean Dave was alone.

You suppose you’ll never get to ask Rose what she meant, now. 

You try and shake that thought out of your head. Dave! You were going to visit Dave, and you don’t need to ask Rose what she meant (even if you did, you could always visit her, silly!). With Rose, the most likely answer was the most esoteric, and besides, you already knew that Dave, out of the four of you, hated being alone the most. His constant stream of commentary probably had something to do with that, too—rose would probably have a much better analysis but oh well—and the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. The only time that you remember Dave being sort of quiet was right after the game, when the four of you shared the same room for a bit. Everyone was so exhausted after sburb that you all just sort of collapsed in the same room and stayed there. The Bec part of you loved it, it was a very doggish thing, sleeping in a big heap with your best friends, just like a litter of puppies!!!! The Jade part of you loved it too, for different reasons. You sometimes secretly wished that everyone lived in the same room again, that everything was like those shining first few days. 

You tried to forget that you were the first to leave. 

maybe the feeling is regret???

You sit up slowly, and get out of bed. Dave is probably in his room, making sick beats or new .gene .sys files on godmod. He’s always been the most interested in creating the new world. If you were Rose, you would say something deep about deep about Dave’s personality and if you were John you would make some sort of benignly stupid joke about the whole thing. Since you are you (jade!!!), you walk to the transportalizer, and (finally!!!) visit Dave. 

==>Jade: Be Dave.

You can’t be Dave, silly, you could only do stuff like that in the game!!! The game is over! The game is over. 

You go up and knock on Dave’s door. You wait for a few minutes, no one answers, so you curl up on the floor and wait and little longer. 

When you wake up, you are still alone. But that’s okay! You have an entire universe, you can do anything you want. Create a new race, create a new planet, or fuck, even create a new galaxy! There are so many things to do, you have never been this free!!!!! 

 

you think the feeling might be freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might rewrite bc it feels a little weird writing in 2nd person 1st tense.  
> one chapter per kid. dave is probably next.
> 
> minor edits for consistancy after 2nd chapter was completed.


	2. H3Y COOLK1D, 1S TH1S YOU?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no trigger warnings i think

\--tentacleTherapist  [TT]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 13:12--   
TT: Hello, Dave.   
TT: It seems like I am in need of some help.  
TT: There are some subtler aspects of executing .gene files in tandem with .sys files that escape me. Despite the irony of the fact that I am asking for your help in regards to the subtleties of something, I know that you have mastered more of Godmod than the rest of us. I think you could help.   
TT: …  
TT: Dave? It says you are on but you aren’t replying. If you’re occupied, just tell me so and I will ask our teen mom sister instead. Dirk has told me that Roxy is also very good at the coding aspect, and I wouldn’t want to tear you away from whatever ironically important task you’re doing right now.   
TT: Besides, Roxy did hack into the mainframe awhile back. Every time I open the coding window I still get this bright pink pop up telling me that she is, and I quote the badest haxxor bitch around!!11!   
TT: I’m sure she could help me.   
TT: …  
TT: Dave?   
TT: I guess this is goodbye, then. I will admit that while I do need help with programming I also wanted to talk to you. It’s been awhile.  
TT: So whenever you get this and you’re free, just shoot me a message! Or, you know, just shoot me period, because I miss you so much. All of you, really.   
TT: …See you around then.   
TT: Oh, and Dave, that was a joke, by the way. Please don’t shoot me. Speaking of shootings, though, I should just log off now before I shoot myself in the foot. Again.   
TT: So. Goodbye David.   
TT: …  
TT: Talk to you later.   
TT: Goodbye.    
\--tentacleTherapist  [TT]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 13:20-- 

\--gardenGnostic  [GG]  began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  at 15:48--   
GG: hey dave!!  
GG: just wanted to say that I stopped by last night, and knocked on your door but it seems like you weren’t there!   
GG: hope everything is going okay with your superawesome worldbuilding!!!   
GG: i guess you aren’t on, even though it says you are, so i’ll probably just talk to you later!!!   
GG: so  
GG: bye!!!   
GG: i guess   
\--gardenGnostic  [GG]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  at 15:1  
59-- 

\--tentacleTherapist  [TT]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 1:03--   
TT: Hello, Dave.  
TT: I feel like the last time I attempted to talk to you I was a little rude and short. Granted, not as rude someone who leaves their pesterchum on all day and never replies, but that does not excuse my own rudeness.   
TT: So, I am sorry.   
TT: I am also sorry for snapping at you the last time I saw you in person.   
TT: I felt like you were trying to deny certain relationships with certain people; namely John and me. I was hurt by this, but I have since realized that it is not my place to try and define your relationships with others.   
TT: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about when I started messaging you yesterday.   
TT: And then promptly fucked it up when things didn’t go as I thought they should.   
TT: Hence the RARE APOLGETIC ROSE x2 COMBO!  
TT: You should hold on to that combo, Dave. Something that rare will have you rolling in boondollars. Cash it in, put it in the bank, wait a few years and when Bubbles van Salamancer is old enough to college, BAM! Instant funding.   
TT: If salamanders even go to college.   
TT: …  
TT: See that, Dave? That was me trying to be you. Please hurry up and reply, so I will no longer feel obligated to pathetically mimic you.   
TT: Come on Dave, we both know you could’ve done much better than that. Consider this a formal invitation for you, as you like to put it, to “school me” in the ways of Daveness.   
TT: I will be your “young Davey grasshopper.” Ironically, of course.   
TT: Unless that is one of your unironic things. Sometimes I can’t tell which is which.   
TT: Sometimes I think you can’t tell either.  
TT: …  
TT: Clearly, that is just me being unschooled in Daveness, and when you have “schooled” me in your ways, I will be able to tell.   
TT: Maybe one day I’ll even learn how to ‘ironically’ break all of my best friends’ hearts! That would surely be a dream come true!  
TT: Of course, that is a level of advanced irony and Daveness that mere mortals such as myself cannot hope to master anytime soon, so I will have to keep on training to reach that level!  
TT: Great Master Dave, I await your training, whenever you see fit to grace me with your presence!  
TT: Unless your absence in itself is the training. How ironic!  
TT: I think I need some time to contemplate this divine irony. Goodbye, oh great teacher!  
TT: Young grasshopper, out.   
TT:…  
TT: Douche.    
\--tentacleTherapist  [TT]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 1:22-- 

\--gardenGnostic  [GG]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 23:02--   
GG: DAVE!!!!  
GG: you are such an unbelievable asshat!!!!!  
GG: how the fuck did you think i wouldn’t notice you hiding under the tarp RIGHT NEXT TO ME when i was talking to dirk!!!!! do you really think I’m that stupid??? EVEN IF I DIDN’T SEE YOU YOU WERE TALKING TO YOURSELF THE WHOLE TIME YOU FUCKHEAD!!!!! GGGGGGRRRRRR  
GG: ‘o yeah jade’s too dumb to notice me right next to her let me just sit under this tarp and MUMBLE CONSTANTLY’  
GG: really??? REALLY????  
GG: if you don’t want to talk to me, fine!!!! i don’t want to talk to you either!!! but at least try and make an effort and hide properly!!!!  
GG: fuck you!!!!! i am sick of how you keep on BREAKING MY HEART  
GG: you know what dave???? i’m not the only one!!! everyone’s sick of you fucking with their heads  
GG: so go on, keep on holing yourself up and trying to use godmod to recreate your stupid dead brother!!!!!1! because at this point, he’s the only one who’s going to actually give a fuck about your dumb ass!!!!  
GG: oh wait, you can’t recreate him IT’S AGAINST THE RULES  
GG: rules that even the GREAT DAVE STRIDER can’t break!!!!  
GG: and even if you did manage to make a new bro, it’s not like the old one even cared about you so good luck with this one!!!!!!  
GG: so FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!    
gardenGnostic  [GG]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 23:13-- 

\--ectoBiologist  [EB]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 3:03--   
EB: hey bro.  
EB: so.   
EB: i guess i just wanted to know if you still hated me  
EB: and judging by the stoney silence i guess you do! shocker!  
EB: its ok dude i know i deserve it  
EB: so.   
EB: i guess.  
EB: so i guess that’s too many i guesses and my question has been answered anyways  
EB: so i’ll talk to you later!  
EB: well.  
EB: no.   
EB: i guess not.    
\--ectoBiologist  [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 3:10--

\--tentacleTherapist  [TT]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 24:56--   
TT: Dave.  
TT: Daaaaaaaave  
TT: daaaaave dave dave daaaaave  
TT: .  
TT: heee. if i say your name enough i think you’ll reply, just like if i drink enough i think everything will be okay!!!  
TT: and it is!!!! because jadey came to visit me today  
TT: i don’t know what you did to her, imma still trying out to figure what she did to me wink wonk in the inmortal words of our TEEN MOM SISTER!!!!! heeeeeee  
TT: but i feel like i should thank you because she was so angry at you things were ok with usssssss!   
TT: don’t get me wrong we still miss you even if jadeys pissed but since you aren’t here and saying your name won’t make you here its nice of you to help us out this way  
TT: iroically of course HAA   
TT: but   
TT: you know the reason jadeys so upset and I’m upset and fuck ii think you broke john but   
TT: ha that rhymed  
TT: wait no it didnt  
TT: but daveee!!!!!   
TT: daaaaave   
TT: I forget what I was goma say and it was just some deep rose bullshit anyways so I;ll just keep on saying your name over and over again and maybe you’ll appear magically  
TT: davedavedavedavedavedavedavedavedavedavedavedavedave  
TT: DAVE  
TT: .  
TT: well its obvs not working so bye   
\--tentacleTherapist  [TT]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  at 1:08--

Well. It looks like you just remembered why you stopped checking your pesterchum.  
Congratulations, asswipe! 

Out of the corner of your eyes you can see Dirk giving you a slightly pained look—stupid fucking smug bros with their stupid fucking faces—and you look back at him and waggle your eyebrows.   
He flash steps out of sight, and you feel a weight on your shoulder.  
His voice is low and husky in your ear.  
“This should cheer you up.”   
You turn your head to look up at him, you can’t help it, and--HOLY FUCK!  
YOU’RE COVERED IN FUCKING SMUPPETS, MOTHERFUCKER!

==>Dave: Be the smuppet.  
fuck no!!!! GET THOSE THINGS AWAY. NOW. 

after you remove the last traces of felt from your body, you look back at your pesterlog.   
you could delete it but you don’t.   
you know that they’ll just stop writing anyways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPAN SPAN THE WONDERFUL CODING IN A CAN
> 
> john is probs next.


	3. Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no triggers; tons of implications though

A hundred and twelve rounds, thirteen targets that were more air than paper, and two shots of whiskey later, she was finally ready to talk.

Well. ‘Talk’ in the most esoteric form of the word—it was mostly stomping, waving her arms around and yelling expletives, presumably directed at Dave, but there was some vague attempt at communication going on so you supposed it counted. At the very least, it was better than watching her alternately cry and angrily check her pesterchum for replies. You counted this as some sort of emotional progress—even if she was running around in circles, she was still moving. Anyways, it gave you a new little something to analyze. Something that was not yourself. 

Since thinking about how you analyze your friends’ behavior in order to avoid analyzing yourself is, strangely enough, not conducive to refusing to analyze yourself, you concentrate on Jade. Her thick hair is knotted at the ends and there are drying sweat stains peeking out from under her armpits. Whenever she grimaces, which is often, you can see the cold sore on the side of her mouth stretch and gape. For a split second, you panic—was that there last night? Were you too drunk to notice? You quickly brush the implications away, just more things to worry about, exactly what you need, Rose. Besides, you don’t suppose it really matters. Gods don’t get herpes.  
Probably. 

Jade was starting to calm down a little, the circles she was pacing slowly shrinking and talking longer to complete. Her words were also starting to sound more like words, something that is rather helpful when trying to communicate with another sentient being. Granted, at this point in your life, calling yourself sentient might be a bit of a stretch, but you work with what you got. Or at least try to. 

She tries to run her fingers through her hair, but they get stuck when they get to the ends. Jade growls. You try not to laugh, she’s still a little sensitive about being so doggish, and god only knows how much you need an even more sensitive Jade. 

“Here, let me get that.” 

Jade snaps around to look at you, caught off guard, hand still in her hair. She’s probably surprised that you were still there. You don’t blame her. No one stays anymore. Her face slowly relaxes, and she walks over, and sits on the floor in front of you. She leans back against your legs, and you retrieve a comb out of your syllabus. Slowly, you pull it through her hair, gently tugging at the knots. Most of them come out pretty easily, but you have to use your fingers to undo a few of them. It takes a while and isn’t particularly stimulating, but you don’t mind. You are Rose Lalonde. You untangle other people’s knots. It is what you do. 

“Sometimes,” she says, almost too quietly to be heard, “sometimes I think we weren’t supposed to win the game.” 

There is nothing you can add to this. You keep on combing her hair.

“Sometimes,” she says, as soft and slowly as before, “well, other sometimes, I think we didn’t win the game at all.” 

You don’t say anything. Just focus on getting the knots out, her knots, focus on unknotting everyone’s problems, don’t worry about all the tangles building up in your own stomach, a pit full of horrorterrors intertwined with each other, madly whispering, fighting to get out—

“I mean. You’ve seen him. Dave. How he’s become. ” 

“How has he become,” you reply, not a question, just a necessary formality to keep the conversation going. 

“You know!” You could tell Jade was starting to get agitated again, her shoulders were tensing up against your shins. “Out of all of us, he’s always taken everything the most seriously. Sure, he hides it pretty well, but he’s always under so much pressure. Pressure he puts on himself, or maybe leftover pressure from his Bro, I don’t know, I never met him, but I’ve met Dirk, and as much as I like him, I can only imagine how it’d be like, being raised by some sort slightly off, alternate version of him. I don’t know. I used to think that the whole ‘coolkid’ thing was how Dave hid all of his stress, but sometimes I feel like it’s the reason why he’s got such strange, high stakes standards in the first place and—“

Jade stops, the words choking in her throat. You focus on her hair. She takes a deep breath and continues. 

“And, I’m not quite sure where I’m going with all this, but. But. You take a bunch of already sensitive, slightly fucked up teenagers—kids actually—and put them through five incredibly stressful years, where they see everyone they love die at least once, and are too busy trying to survive to really think too hard and deep about anything. And, then, as their reward, you give them a completely new world to live in, a world that doesn’t even resemble the world they’d lived in for the past few years, and only barely resembles the world of their childhood, and you give them a bunch of computers” she spits the last word out, as if glad to have it as far away from her mouth as possible “and tell the kids to create a Universe with it. Make them create a universe, give them all the time in the world to just sit there and think, and—here’s the kicker!!!!—call it a reward.”

It takes you a moment to realize that the dry, panicked sobs are coming from you, not her. Jade slowly turns towards you, and puts her head on your knees, wraps her arms around your legs. You don’t even make a pretense at trying to comb her hair. 

“Of course,” Jade says, back to speaking slowly as softly, as if you were the one who needed shooshing, not her (because of course you don’t need comforting, you never do) “of course, we haven’t quite come to the punch line yet. A real gut-busting kneeslapper, something that would’ve sent the reading on John’s Prankster’s Gambit to the moons! These kids, they get to make this beautiful, shiny new frog universe!!!! They get to see civilizations unfold, planets slowly grow and die, stars explode—they get to control all of this!!!!! From far, far away that is. No matter how hard they try, they will never be a part of this creation, or bring the creation to their world. They will sit on a dying meteor, and watch this beautiful universe from a flickering computer screen. Their universe.” 

Jade was sobbing too, you realize—her body rocking roughly against yours, face buried in between your knees. Her grip was tight around your calves, and you could feel your feet start to tingle from the loss of circulation but that’s fine, how you wanted it, you didn’t need to feel your feet, you didn’t need to feel any more than what was necessary—

“We watch our universe thrive below us, and know we will die alone, skaia wants its gods to die when they are done. We can’t create anything here, they made sure of that—we can’t even reproduce the old fashioned way, everyone’s sterile, you saw the results of my tests!!!—and why would skaia want that? The first thing mythology taught us, is that too many gods running around causes problems, and skaia is smarter than us so of course they keep the creation away from us!! So after all that work we put into our session, trying to survive and make it out alive, skaia puts us in our own little null session, and watches as we die alone!! We’re all going to die alone, just like-li--like—like-“

Jade can’t finish her sentence. She doesn’t have to. You know what happened. She sits and sobs, and you let yourself sob with her, not even bothering to try and pretend that this grief is for anyone’s sake but yours. Finally, the large gasps turn to small ones and the small ones turn to shaking, and then you just sit in the dark, the sun has gone down by now, and sit, both of you on the floor now, and hold each other. Jade finally breaks away a bit, looks up at you, and laughs softly. 

“What?”

“Your hair. It’s a mess, all tangled and matted with tears and probably some snot too—“

“I could have been happy not knowing that, Jade.”

“Here, give me the comb.” She says, and giggles. You hand her the comb and she gets up into the chair, and you shift so your back is against her legs. 

“Your hair is so silky and fine!!” she says, and she combs out the knots, your knots, you don’t have to worry about getting them out, you just lean against her legs and feel the comb running through your hair and listen to her hum softly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: like seriously never shoot a gun when angry and drunk!!!! also SAFE SEX!!!!  
> unless you are jade harley, professional goddess, i guess.
> 
> don't think I can wrap this fic up in one more chapter, but in the next one i'll probably start to wrap up things like wtf is up with dave, who died, but most importantly CAN GODS GET HERPES
> 
> sorry i lied about john's pov, next one is probably Dirk


	4. that’s because you guys always do things the hard way. and the dumb way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of character death. otherwise no trigger warnings.   
> i think.

The sun cuts through the room at a harsh angle, making your head swim and ache. Shielding your eyes, you go over to the curtain, try to yank it close. The piece of shit curtain rod falls to the floor, making more noise and letting more light in. You swear and decide that since the curtain won’t close, you’ll just have to get rid of the light another way—you’ll show that stupid sun who’s boss!! You grab the nearest piece of paper (part of Rose’s long winded passive aggressive communal chores list, page whoknows out of a bazillion, an extremely intricate diagram of how to hold a mop) and (duct!!!) tape it to your forehead. Haha, sun, no light can reach your eyes!! WHO IS YOUR GOD NOW. 

You realize that you are shaking your fist at the window, and try very hard not to feel incredibly stupid. You fail. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see your pesterchum blinking—someone is trying to contact you! Your heart stops for a second—red text!?!—and quickly sit down, ripping the piece of paper from your forehead. You scoot closer to the screen to see who it is, and try not to be disappointed. Of course it isn’t Dave. 

\--timaeusTestified  [TT] started pestering ectobiologist  [EB]  at 16:03—  
TT: Hey.   
TT: Egbert.   
TT: Yo.   
TT: Seeing as you are currently busy shaking your fist at the window with a piece of paper taped to your forehead, I am assuming that I am interrupting some very important windything ritual.  
TT: While I can never understand the deep intricacies and cultural significance of this fascinating ceremonial, I have to say I am moved by the raw beauty and grace you exude while performing it.   
TT: I can feel a single tear falling from the corner of my eye. A tear made of pure, unadorned, unironic admiration for your simple but beautiful belief system, filled with truths unknown to modern man, yet far more permeating in their simplicity!  
TT: Kawaii desu nii and shit.   
EB: dirk!!!  
EB: are you outside my window??  
EB: you better not be!!!   
EB: actually i take that back, i think i’d prefer that to the alternative  
EB: please don’t tell me you hacked into my computer and are now looking at me through my webcam!! oh man that is creepy! even creepier than you usually are  
TT: There’s still some tape on your forehead, by the way.   
EB: aaaaugh!!!! WHY ARE YOU SO CREEPY  
TT: If it makes you feel better I can no longer see you, with the tape covering the camera.   
TT: Although I can still hear your heavy mouth breathing, which, combined with the blacked out screen, is pretty scary and a little gross.   
TT: Dude. You have nostrils for a reason. Use them.  
EB: dirk!!! i thought we already had this “stalking is not acceptable behavior” intervention!!!!   
TT: Yeah. Sorry.   
EB: sorry does not make it any less creepy!   
TT: …  
TT: I was a little worried when you were on but not responding. After what happened with Jake, I guess I expect the worse.   
EB: oh  
EB: shit.   
EB: but that’s not really an excuse for hacking into my webcam. its still creepy as fuck, and you know it.   
TT: John. Believe me, I know how much of a creep I am, and that there is no excuse for it. I know this better than anyone, especially since my constant creeping is part of the reason why my best bro is dead.   
TT: There is nothing good or right about my behavior, and there aren’t even any good excuses for it. There never are.   
TT: And I much as I would like to wax poetic about my various flaws—and we all know I would, narcissism is one of the aforementioned flaws—I did not start this conversation with you to do so. Believe it or not, you are a remarkably terrible person to waste a decent Strider style monologue on. You can hardly analyze yourself, never mind others. I actually had something to tell you. Something important.   
EB: the fuck.   
EB: did you just seriously go there  
EB: i mean  
EB: i get it, god. i ’m a bad listener, ok everyone knows that already!! But how the fuck is this relevant?? i know jade likes you a lot and dave obviously trusts you, but honestly i think you’re just a huge insecure dick who gets off by hacking into strangers webcams. well, relative strangers!! the only reason i’m even still talking to you is because everyone else on this stupid fucking meteor seems to think you’re cool or whatever, so you better make this fucking fast!!   
EB: also, quit blaming jake’s disappearance on yourself, we don’t even know if he’s dead, and surprise, NOT EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD HAS TO DO WITH YOU  
TT: …  
EB: well!?!?   
TT: Fine. I’ll make it short.   
TT: You need to talk to Dave.   
EB: no.   
EB: he’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to talk to me, and i’m going to respect that. because he has a good reason for that, and unlike some people i like to respect my friends privacy!!   
EB: or people who used to be my friends, I guess.   
TT: I don’t think you understand.   
EB: actually, i understand perfectly!! i’m not sure how much you know about the whole thing, but i crossed his boundaries a couple of weeks ago, and he got upset with me—which he has every right to be, by the way!! so i decided to respect his wishes, and leave him alone, because THAT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH PEOPLE’S BOUNDARIES  
EB: not like you’d know! you have the same respect for boundaries as a charging rhino does!   
EB: a really touchy feely douchebag of a rhinoceros!   
TT: He’s dying.   
TT: Also that bit about the rhinoceros makes no sense.   
EB: …wait, what?   
EB: i…  
EB: i can’t believe this  
EB: you can’t seriously think that’ll work on me!!  
EB: i have no idea why you want me to talk to dave but DO YOU REALLY THINK I’D FALL FOR THAT? dave is my best friend! or, well, was!!! if something like, like what you said was going on he’d tell me!!!!  
EB: this is not funny, dirk!!! what the fuck is wrong with you??   
TT: John, just shut the fuck up already, and listen closely because I’m only going to explain this once. I only have enough energy to explain this once. Remember how, a couple of weeks after we first arrived here, you stopped breathing?   
EB: i don’t know what this has to do with anything!!!and i didn’t just ‘stop breathing,’i mean yeah i was a little short of breath , it probably was all this weird meteor dust in the air! but roxy and jade made an inhaler for me, and now i’m fine!!   
EB: SCIENCE  
TT: Oh it’s SCIENCE.  
TT: Just like how Jade helped me make a pacemaker for myself.   
EB: yeah because like the typical strider you have to take everything to the extremest level, and in the process you fucked up your heart!   
TT: Exactly, my heart.   
EB: i still don’t get what you mean!   
TT: No, I think you know exactly what I mean. You’ve seen Rose, with her new almost-as-sugoi-as-a-Strider sunglasses?   
TT: The light bothers her eyes.   
TT: Also notice how she never goes outside without several layers of protective clothing?  
TT: The light burns her skin.  
TT: The light.  
TT: The fucking LIGHT.  
EB: so??   
TT: John. When we were in the medium, skaia gave us powers to help us survive. In the medium, we could use our powers whenever we wanted to as long as we could mentally access and control them. There was no real physical penalty for using them. Anyone whose read any sci-fi fantasy shit knows powers come at a cost. When we were in the session, there was no cost. We are no longer in the session though, and it knows it. It’s like each of us used up all of our aspect in the game, and skaia forgot to tell us until now.   
TT: This is what winning costs.   
TT: And, fuck, if you don’t believe me…  
TT: I know you don’t know Janey that well, you saw her a little right after the game ended but, fuck, if you could see her now…  
TT: If you could see her now, you wouldn’t be able to afford to doubt.   
EB: …  
EB: so dave’s the time player. if what you say is true, shouldn’t he be fine? time isn’t really a physical thing, so he should be fine, right? and with the whole ‘you can’t do magic without a cost’ thing, what about all the failed sessions?? wouldn’t skaia be putting a lot of energy into something with no return??   
TT: Look, just forget what I said about the magic. This isn’t magic. There is no magic. This is skaia, and skaia’s only purpose is to create a new universe, using us. It’s like, if you’re building a house and you accidently fuck up a hammer while you’re building it, do you care about the hammer?   
EB: uh yeah, i think hammers are awesome!   
TT: Well, skaia doesn’t think we’re awesome.   
EB: ):   
TT: It doesn’t matter if the ‘powers’ it gives us warps us while we use them. It just wants us to make it through the game, keep us alive until we make the new universe. So it keeps the damage at bay until we leave the medium, and then we’re left to deal with what’s left.   
TT: Or something equally poetically fucked up.   
EB: …  
EB: …i mean, i don’t really want to understand, but…  
TT: You do.   
EB: i guess it makes sense.   
EB: i mean, like when we first got here, before we started to learn all of the new rules, everyone tried to recreate our old homes on this meteor. bring back our houses, cities, guardians. using godmod to alter the matter around us, instead of our faraway universe. we all learned pretty quickly that you couldn’t directly apply .sys or .gene files to our world, and even after roxy hacked into the program so we could apply files to our surroundings, the only thing it created was paradox slime.   
EB: and pumpkins. SO MANY PUMPKINS  
EB: but even after everyone had given up, because obviously it was impossible, dave kept on working to bring his bro back. i always wrote it off as just another part of dave’s fucked up obsessive love/hate relationship with bro, but i think…just maybe   
EB: maybe  
EB: maybe he just wants to say one last goodbye?   
EB: before…dave…  
EB: you know.   
TT: Judging by his relationship with me, I think one last stab goodbye would be more accurate.   
EB: ha! no that’s just because you’re a tool  
TT: Thank you for reestablishing this.   
EB: anytime, bro  
TT: My toolhood aside, you still need to talk to Dave. He’s actually in the main kitchen, waiting for you.   
EB: wait WHAT!?!  
EB: why didn’t you tell me this earlier!?!?!   
\--ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering timaeusTestified  [TT]  at 16:59—  
TT: Well.   
TT: because I still had to tell you that Dave freaking out about you kissing him was less of a sexuality related existential and more of a “holy shit I’m dying but I don’t want to hurt people with the inevitability of my corpse” related existential crisis.  
TT: but honestly, I don’t really care anymore. Both of those are equally stupid reasons to leave someone you care about.  
TT: Actually, I’m not sure why Dave didn’t just explain all this to you himself. Besides the fact that he’s a shithead and thought you wouldn’t want to talk to him. I’m even less sure why I agreed to do this in the first place, either.   
TT: Fuck this.   
\-- ectobiologist  [EB]  started pestering timaeusTestified  [TT]  at 17:01—  
EB: so by main kitchen did you mean the big kitchen or the one in the center??  
TT: The one in the center, but you need to know something,   
EB: thanks, you’re a real chum dirk!!!  
\--ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering timaeusTestified  [TT]  at 17:02—  
TT: A real chum, eh?   
TT: I haven’t been called that in a while.   
TT: Almost forgot how much I hated it.   
TT: Egbert, if you’re still reading this somehow,   
TT: you need to know that Dave has changed since you last saw him.   
TT: A lot.   
TT: Be careful, and remember  
TT: I warned you about stares, bro.  
\-- timaeusTestified  [TT]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]  at 17:05—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changing this to 8 chapters! because like hell i can finish this in 1.   
> also special thanks to stygimoloch for officially beta-ing this chapter, and dealing with my "I POSTED A THING CAN YOU CHECK IF IT'S COHERENT " texts for the last three chapters.   
> this chapter has all my favorites: homosexuality and homonyms, awww yeah!  
> ALSO: thanks to everyone for all the lovely comments and kudos this has got! constructive criticism is always welcome as well!


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